drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
