we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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