Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
