On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
