remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
