good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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