College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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