I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
