i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my phone needs a breathalizer
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
