He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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