he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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