If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
