Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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