Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
