I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
