You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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