He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'm always down for nudity.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
