Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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