yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Randomize
