I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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