I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
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