I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Send help, water and tortillas.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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