he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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