You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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