you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize