you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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