Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
