I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My Higher Power is John Stamos
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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