If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
