I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
