It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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