I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
