I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
