I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
