I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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