woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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