I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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