We named our party play list daddy issues
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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