my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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