Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
