your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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