What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
