pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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