so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
