I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
