I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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