If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
