The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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