she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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