I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
