i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Randomize
