why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
