I like my sex mixed with concussions.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Drake has all the answers
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
