Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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