I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
